Alloy Parenting: Reclaiming Our Shared Caregiving Roots for Healthier Families

Modern parenting often feels like a solitary, overwhelming task. We've strayed far from the communal caregiving practices that sustained our ancestors and nurtured their children. Capitalism and colonialism have dismantled our village-style living, leaving us isolated within nuclear family systems. This disconnection fosters burnout, robs us of joy and ease, and denies our children the benefits of shared attunement and presence.

For centuries, humans thrived in close-knit communities where caregiving was a shared responsibility. Indigenous Peoples have always known this. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and neighbors all contributed to raising children, offering parents a network of support and ensuring kids grew up surrounded by diverse relationships and wisdom. This "alloy parenting" system, where the load was spread across many shoulders, allowed families to thrive with ease, joy, and connection.

However, capitalism and colonialism dismantled this way of life. The push toward nuclear family units—isolated households consisting of just two parents and children—was framed as progress. In reality, it was a tool for controlling labour and privatising resources. Families became more reliant on external systems—such as businesses, institutions, and commercial enterprises—rather than relying on each other or communal living. The loss of shared caregiving has left parents burnt out, juggling endless responsibilities, while children miss out on the richness of collective attunement and connection.

The nuclear family model has turned parenting into an unsustainable, individual endeavor. It disconnects us from the flow of life that comes with shared caregiving, forcing us into rigid roles and systems that prioritise productivity over relationships. This design isn’t just making us tired—it’s making us sick. Without a village, parents struggle to meet their own needs, let alone provide their children with the full presence, emotional attunement, and nurturing they deserve.

I’m not naïve—I know we cannot entirely change our social structures overnight. However, we can begin to make small, meaningful shifts today to support the principles of alloy parenting. Here are three actions you can take right now to reconnect with shared caregiving:

1. Lean on Family and Friends for Caregiving Support
   Reach out to family or friends to help with caregiving, and offer the same support in return. Whether it’s school drop-offs, meal prep, or simply spending time with each other’s kids, these exchanges strengthen bonds and lighten the load.

2. Stay with Loved Ones During Intense Times
   When life feels overwhelming—whether due to illness, a newborn, or a busy season—consider staying with family or friends for extra support. Whether it’s two nights, two weeks, or two months, shared living during high-pressure periods can bring relief and connection.

3. Spend Time Together in Natural, Unstructured Ways
   Carve out time to connect with others without any pressure or specific agenda. Invite a friend over for tea while your kids play or meet up for a casual walk. These low-stakes interactions create the sense of community that’s often missing in modern parenting.

These steps may seem small, but together, they can weave a stronger, more interconnected fabric of caregiving. Bit by bit, we can reclaim the village we’ve lost and create a new way of parenting—one that’s rooted in community, mutual support, and shared joy.

Parenting was never meant to be done in isolation, and it’s absolutely okay to need support. In fact, it’s essential. By leaning into community and sharing the caregiving journey, we not only lighten the load but also nurture the well-being of ourselves, our children, and those around us.